Balance sheet and conlcusion/completion after now 2 Years of internet-research:
Yes, I have added yet another year (2013), sorry ^_^
But it was worth it ! =)
Because NOW I can finally END my search in the illusory world >internet< with a statement of surplus & success. 0:-)
My Dear Young Women & maidens; Ladies & Gentle-Girls:
We loudly present:
On the ONE hand, I want to express my ENORMOUS relief & gratefulness, which I feel, when I think of the (few) conversations by typed texts, which nonetheless young women & girls had exchanged with me ! 0:-D
There finally were SOME (fews) among You Gals, who weren´t “too good” for it (by own terms) to exchange messages with ME ! ^_^ A heartfelt “THANK YOU” to you all !!! 0:-D =D It was YOUR trust & credit, YOUR interest & attention (-which I understand as a form of appreciation-), YOUR openness, kind offers & fair terms or courtesy, which made it possible for me again….or better: for the very FIRST time (at all), to gain CONFIDENCE in the encounter with female Youth. 0:-) SIGH ^_^ I feel deeply moved & abundantly bestowed (upon) ! =D
SOOOO MANY gnawing, down-wearing Questions, Doubts & so much Insecureness, Irritation I could clarify,cope with, overcome or simply let drop for the first time in my life ! ^_^ Huuuuh ! 0:-D SIGH
Or it´s simply just due to stupenoud, incredible marvel itself, that I finally could experience, TOO, how to find and receive attention from YOUNGER Ladies. =D …although for the beginning, it´s only been “trough a screen” up to now yet…and over 10.000 km of distance in most of the cases. ;-) :-P ! The “girl next door” (-within 500 km, that is-) is maybe growing up today with the BIG FEAR to get to know a man, who could POSSIBLY & HYPOTHETICALLY come to visit her once…by car or train…. :-s :-/ Sad.
Well, But at least it´s a START =) and for the beginning, I don´t want to be SO extremely picky😉 …it´s MORE than EVER before 0:-) …although at the price of dependency on digitaltechnology & mass media. And NOW, that I have found relief, confirmation,verification,self-efficacy & confidence (via internet), such a cost is TOO HIGH in long-term according to MY taste. 0:-) -_- I didn´t need a digital illusory world BEFORE my search…and I want to be free of that AFTERWARDS again, too ! 0:-D ^_^
Ironically & paradoxically I sometimesfeel a wistful pain, too, when I announce my retreat from the internet. :-s …There´s certainly some sadness, too😥 …which I want to express hereby on the OTHER hand. 0:-)
And it seems to be just the same situation for the few distant young women, who write to me…as like in an “emotional mirror image”: That´s what I conclude from receiving so touching sentences like “HEY !😮 YOU MAY NOT LEAVE !” ^_^ ;-) =D
Strange, isn´t it ? :-s …Because I won´t be LESS PRESENT at all, only by going “offline” 0:-) Right ? ^_^ On the contrary:
At the same time I announce my come-back (in)to the real, true, direct world again ! =D 0:-D All I want to achieve with this, is that my Body, as well as my Thoughts & Emotions just happen again at the very same spot !!! ^_^ And we won´t need to give up our “exchange-relations” we have which we have established & which we already have grown fond of…even at very long distances. =D NO,…but -of course- they´ll certainly simply take MORE TIME, until a reply can come. =) ^_^ Thanks to the enormous trust of SOME young Ladies & Girls from far foreign countries, and their liberal, generous offers to reveal their POSTAL ADRESSES to me ^_^I already could send several letters & postcards to them ! =D 0:-)
And last but not least, I also want to explicitely mention the fact that and the establishment, that I feel plainly/destinctly more EASINESS & LOOSENESS in the intercourse with female youth, compared to 1 year ago…or even much more than 2 years ago. 0:-D Finally, I have personally experienced those miracles, which I had considered/assumed being IMPOSSIBLE for me, until the Beginning of 2012 ! :-O😥 sniffle ^_^
TODAY I am even shocked MYSELF, when I remember my extremecrampedness, exertion,strain & tension all my life :-O :-5 :-7 Much as it had been explainable & comprehensible, though…when considering the huge amount of failure and unsuccess/nonsuccess on which my previous autobiographical Texts are reporting (See the 3 BLOG-Texts & “balance-sheet after 1 year of internet-research” ).
This looseness I don´t only gain just from my RELIEF about late success. 0:-) The fading insecureness & disconcertedness is also being REPLACED now by TRUST (meanwhile) 0:-D ….Furthermore by CONFIDENCE ^_^ and sometimes even HOPE & COURAGE ! =D 0:-)
So, I take it by YOUR sporadic/isolated/single openness, trust,interest, complaisant offers, helpful willingness, personal bestowal & respectful attention, that BOTH my efforts AND especially my trust is more & more rewarded, appreciated and held higher in esteem ! 0:-D Thank you so much !
Now I would like to use more of the potential of the REAL world outside again, to extend my success (-hopefully-) also to THERE ! =D
There is still so MUCH to be understood….and to be changed and improved !!! =)
And my increasing experience also shows me increasingly, that there IS something in my real, direct appearance & behaviour, and in my “body-language”, which gets declining, refusal, rejection, non-acceptance, reluctance or lack of interest from you Young Ladies :-s ….and which you don´t really EXPLAIN to me, or to yourselves….sad to say :-( SIGH. (UNfortunately the reaction of OLD women had been exactly CONTRARY to that all my life long ! :-O :-( :-P Do I maybe send some obscure, hidden signals of “searching for mother´s love” in my behaviour, which could be unconsciously misread…in the favour of the OLD ladies ? :-O Hmmmmmm… :-S ).
Well, It proves significantly for me, that the YOUNG ladies are displeased by my shy looking aside & my silent voice….for SOME unsolved reason. :-S I therefore have resolved and decided to dare making behaviour-therapy-exercises for my voice, miming & gestures ! 0:-) But…PLEASE SUPPORT ME ENERGICALLY IN THIS GOAL, TOO, GIRLS ^_^ WILL YA ?!?! 0:-D OK ?😉 =D Because I am afraid, there will be just just enough of uncertainties, shakiness, unsteadiness, difficulties, precariousness, problems, fears, insecureness, confusion(s), irritation(s), frustrations, disappointment, exhaustion, failure and setbacks, lurking & waylaying & lying in wait for me… ! :-s PHEEEEWWWW !!!!😮 :-/
And then there´s another essential Problem, which has probably caused the DEEPEST TRENCH between ME & female Younth:
Ever during my life, I notice and observe, that I take CONSCIOUNESS & AWARENESS much more SERIOUS than the young Madams.. 0:-/ To ME, it has turned out more and more, that it proves to be a matter of SURVIVING (or NOT), if I learn to reflect (on) everything & everyone, go in-depth, question the deceptive, fallacious, delusive & deceitful SURFACE of everything & train on how to COPE with underhand, insidious traps of UNconsciousness ! 0:-/ From the Days of my Childhood on !!! ( See BLOG ‚2, please).
I am also painfully aware, that an advantage in clear perception, deep understanding & cognition, AND a higher level of attention & awareness can divide persons even MORE than any wall, barbed-wire, or else….which are ALSO ALWAYS just SIGNS of UNconsciousness & UNawareness. :-O :'(
What a tragedy ! SIGH :-(((
Existencially much, I care about SELF-responsibility and the overcoming of the CAUSES of any problem ! 0:-) Unfortunately MOST of the people DON´T really understand this, as we ALL have been drilled a lot to reject true responsibility, to replace it by terms of >guilt<, >shame<, >obligations<, >liability
I have noticed & realized how female Youth generally reacts a lot stubborn, abdurate, disconcerted & troubled to hearing MY specific words & vocabulary… and UNfortunately falls silent. :-X Little do they even KNOW yet, WHAT their OWN irritation IS %-/ so they rarely find the WORDS to express their confusion, their insecureness & their need to clarify exactly WHICH questions ….and seldom they even TRY to do so, I might add !😦 SIGH
And coincidentally to such mutual irritation, the young Ladies & Girls usually put a lot of energy & efforts into the backfiring strategy of refusing to offer any further communication as a response to my painstakingly chosen words. :-X I feel exhaustion with this strenght-draining game. -_- :(( Phewwwww ! Please be fair, OK ?! And keep staying on stand by, will ya ? 0:-S
For irritation & confusion, there is ONLY 1 SOLE solution & remedy in the end: It all boils down to exchanging nonviolent, conscious communication and respectful inquiring & explaining…so that ultimately BOTH sides involved can achieve a HIGHER level of awareness. 0:-D ^_^ I need the fairness to always get the chance to explain WHICH feelings & WHICH needs lie behind WHICH behaviour ! 0:-) Or else, I would be fearing to get ISOLATED with my knowledge & cognition… :-O😥 …Wouldn´t that be pitiable ? :-( 😉 =) ^_^
Well, I am joyfully looking forward to the „adventure of life“ of finally getting to know you OUTSIDE there, my Dear Ladies & „young vegetables“ !!! ^_^ =D 0:-D :O)
Lemme precede, OK ?😉 =D `Till soon….I´ll be right there ! ^_^